MY LORD AND SAVIOUR

Friday, January 12, 2007

2:31 pm

maybe the reason i keep saying "oh we'll have sooo much fun in ac" then saying "i'm not going there anymore" is because i don't even know what i want to do.

reasons for going to ac:
-i've always wanted to go there
-i will be in the same Christian environment
-i have friends there

reasons for not going to ac:
-i don't even think i can get in (sara, you know that there is a great possibility of that happening so don't tell me that its bullshit)
-icks will ignore me (you weren't there, you didn't see it, i know its hard to believe but its true)
-i will become all paranoid when i see icks with girls
-i thought badminton was bad but oh my! swimming is even worse!
-people hate me there
-frog is there and so is THAT girl!
-i will be very distracted
-i don't have a cca to join!

i am just as confused as you are! maybe i like the idea of the perfect jc life you described in ac but the reality is, the world is not so kind. its really easy to say all of that will happen by just going to ac but it won't. i want that perfect jc life just as much as you do but i am not going to get my hopes up too high because i will be crushed when reality hits me and i find out that it will never happen.

i know its hard to believe that he ignores me cos we are soo close when we are together but when his friends are there, its like i don't even know him. his friends will be there everyday in jc and being ignored is not something i can get used to. you say you won't ignore me but i find it very hard to believe.
picnic: you ignored me before joanna arrived so don't tell me you thought i was busy talking to joanna
beta's party: you ignored me the moment we stepped into the room even though you promised not to leave me. don't tell me you thought i was busy talking to the 3 girls cos i was left alone before i even met them.
airport: i was not busy talking on the phone. you left me alone therefore i decided to call sara because i felt so alone! you didn't look at me once! it took you half an hour to realise that i was gone! i was standing alone outside starbucks like some idiot while you were inside talking to everyone!
i do NOT expect you to talk to me all the time but i would acknowledge a stranger more than you acknowledge me when your friends are around! you promised to not leave me alone numerous times but you always broke that promise! why should i believe that your promise means something this time?! when i go to jc and find out that you've broken your promise, there is no way out!

things were so much simpler before the opposite sex entered my life. before frogy and during frogy, it was ac all the way but now, the thought of being in the same school as him and her makes me sick! then you came along and the whole jc thing got more complicated. don't get me wrong, i definitely do not regret meeting you. i think it was the best thing that happened to me this year and i do love you but things are just complicated.

you have no idea how scared i am! deep down, i know i can't get in. i am sick of people telling me how smart i am because I AM NOT SMART!!! so stop telling me that i am just because i've always been able to get by without studying. i actually think it makes me quite dumb! the whole world is telling me how much potential i have yet i can't be bothered to do anything about it. it seems rather daft to me. anyway, the thought of not being able to make it to jc scares me shitless. i think about it every single night before i go to bed and i toss and turn in bed for hours because i am too worried. i keep getting all sorts of dreams about me doing badly and i wake up sweating and panting. its hard to believe that i actually care about my results because its something i try my best to hide. nobody will see how ashamed and disappointed i am if i act like i don't care. well, the truth is, i do care and its driving me insane.

bottom line: i want to go to ac, i've always wanted to go to ac. its just that now, i've got other things to consider before i make my decision. one wrong choice and i could screw up my entire life!

+ AMEN